Kellie Pickler’s Day Off

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. There goes Clyde again picking on that poor old Kellie. I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, “at least she is trying to become someone special.” Yes, Kellie is hard at work on American Idol, trying to become the person we all can look up to because she’s done so much to do something with her life even to the point of roller skating into our hearts at the Sonic. We should just continue to celebrate her success by having one big national pity party and have the U.S. Congress institute a National Kellie Pickler Day.

I think that if I went back and reread all the comments and emails that I have received from Kellie supporters there might be one out of a hundred that actually mentions her singing ability or lack thereof. She should win because she’s had a tough life and has done everything possible to pull herself up by the bootstraps and work her way out of truly horrid life. I suppose so. It can be awfully hard to stand in line at the American Idol auditions and get lucky enough to be selected so that you can face down Randy, Paula, and Simon on National TV. It certainly doesn’t hurt your chances when you can throw in a good old a sob story with tears streaming down your face about your mother who left when you were two, and you don’t know why and you’ve never seen her again and my life is just terrible boo hoo. Oh wait that’s my mistake. She actually did see momma again and even lived with her for a time but between her omitting it from her story and her partner in crime Summer Miller perpetuating the myth it was easy for me to forget.

I admire a lot of people who were born into bad situations or have lived a difficult life and endeavored to better themselves through hard work. For many of them, it took years of studying and hard work. I just don’t think Kellie is such a person. Given a choice I think she would just as soon slack her way through life at every possible opportunity as if every day was Kellie’s Day Off.

I have no way of knowing how good or bad Kellie actually was in school. The fact that she was working at the Sonic tells me she couldn’t have been an A student who aspired to do great things. I did read one story of a young girl who was hoping to work at Sonic so she could be just like Kellie. But then she ended her comment with the fact that she was going to save the money she earned to go on to college and earn a degree so she didn’t want to be exactly like Kellie. She just wanted to be in touch with roller-skating greatness.

Maybe Kellie just wasn’t concerned that much with her future during her high school years because she was busy with other things such as cheerleading. Cheerleading does require a lot of time, effort and practice though, especially if you want to impress the football and basketball players. The problem is that even cheerleading turned out to have a higher degree of difficulty than Kellie expected because she quit during her senior year. Some say she quit because she couldn’t be the team captain. Others say she quit because she didn’t like the captain. Come to think about it though I suppose those two reasons would go hand in hand wouldn’t they?

I could be wrong though. Perhaps Kellie just needed more time to hit the books so she could go out into the world to make something of herself by furthering her education. Uh, the furthering her education bit…well we’ll get to that soon enough.

Finally once upon a time, in the land far far away known as Stanly County, Princess Kellie managed to catch a break. After entering the Norwood Arbor Day Pageant, a friend showed Kellie off to Summer Miller who was hardly a stranger to the beauty queen pageant circuit herself. Princess Kellie wasted no time in clobbering Miller over the head with her “mommy who left her when she was two and daddy’s in jail” story. After boohooing for a few seconds and in between gigs with her own Gospel Singing Group, Miller guided Kellie through the ins and outs of beauty pageant etiquette.

It being a year of lean pickings in the enchanted land of Albemarle, Kellie was crowned Miss Stanly County. Unfortunately for Princess Kellie, she soon found out that winning bigger and more glamorous pageants such as Miss North Carolina required a bit of work. As Kellie said, “All I want to do is talent night,' and that was it. I had to do swimsuit and all those other phases of competition, too.”

Aah, poor Princess Kellie. Imagine having to put on a swim suit, fix your hair and makeup so you might actually win something instead of just being an also-ran. You would think that she would want to try in all aspects of the competition besides just the singing since so many of her supporters and sponsors had helped her get as far as she did. I’m sure actually winning the thing would have been a big to do in the land of Albemarle.

I could almost concede her point about having to wear a swim suit on stage. That is I could concede that point if I hadn’t seen already witnessed what she wore to the prom. Unfortunately, Princess Kellie did not win Miss North Carolina and as for her singing she wasn’t even given one of the citations for most talented non-finalists.

None the less, perhaps I’m wrong about all this. Princess Kellie of Albemarle did finally manage to stumble her way into the Stanly Community College possibly on scholarship money from being Miss Stanly County. She decided to try her hand at cosmetology and began studying with great fervor. Well, not exactly but we’ll get to that at the end of the article along with the whole education bit.

She also managed to find her way into the Gimme a mic’ competition of Charlotte which didn’t require her to dress in either swim suit or prom dress, answer silly questions about whether she wanted world peace or be the next American Idol, nor did she have to do so much as walk down a single runway. But she didn’t win that either.

When there was a shiny new Wal-mart opening nearby though she was more than willing to stand up there and sing her heart out although I don’t think she won a prize for it.

Of course, with all of that on her plate something had to give, and taking the path of least resistance, Kellie decided that being a cosmetologist wasn’t for her especially when she could nab those hundred dollar tips at the Sonic just for looking good on a pair of roller skates. So the College classes quickly bit the dust.

I’m sure though that Princess Kellie had every intention of picking up her education again when she found something in life that might interest her or that she could fall back on just in case the singing gigs didn’t work out in the end.

But Princess Kellie was now Psychic Princess Kellie and always knew she could become the next billion dollar CD seller on the Billboard top 100. It certainly doesn’t make much sense to bother with an education just in case the $100 tips at Sonic became few and far between or when you know with absolute certainty that you’re going to be at the top of the charts.

I know you’re thinking I’m being a bit sarcastic about her motives for quitting the cosmetology courses or that I’m just picking on the Princess again but you would be wrong about that. You see the Princess from Albemarle has let it be known publicly that she thinks being educated and having something to fall back on is a waste of time. She told us this when she proudly proclaimed for one and all,

"the school thing wasn't for me,"

So now American Idol has the ultimate Idol. Kids, you no longer have to worry about furthering your education, whatever it may be. This is true especially if you want to be just like Kellie. All they have to do is know ahead of time that they can be the next big country superstar and win American Idol. Then the school thing won’t have to be for you either.

Have no fear though. Stanly College still supports their little drop out. They even have given her an honorary complete web page all to her little old self letting Kellie know that she has their support. And if they can do that for their most famous quitter, who has worked so hard at everything she does, one can only imagine what they might do for someone who actually manages to complete their courses.