The Final Twelve
Endless Idols

Did you know that Meg Ryan hasn’t spoken to her mother since about a year after she started dating Dennis Quaid? Did you know she’s had about five flops in a row? Did you know that she turned down the Sharon Stone role in Basic Instinct? Did you know that Meg has an asteroid named after her.….ooops sorry. I’m suppose to be writing about American Idle Time, aren’t I? Well see, now that is what happens when you get stuck watching this overlong, boring, amateur hour. You get so restless you end up flipping over to The E True Hollywood Story, just to relieve the monotony. And it became quite apparent last night that even high powered and expensive artists like Diana Ross who want to try to eke out a few more sales of their CD’s, can’t save this season.

It’s not that the show didn’t have its moments. I’m quickly beginning to look forward to seeing Sanjaya every week because you know he is going to provide you with the shows most hilarious performance. And then there’s always the Melinda – Lakisha showdown every week to see which of the two will give the best performance. And then there’s….well I guess that’s about it.

And what about Taylor Hicks? I don’t know what the rift is between him and Idol but it’s pretty wide. Last week an Idol tradition was broken when Carrie sang at the results show for who was going into the final twelve. Before this year, it was always the previous year’s winner. Then, to add insult to injury, he didn’t even get so much as a mention at the top of the show, but fourth place winner Chris Daughtry did. Ouch! And even Jennifer Hudson was mentioned despite the fact that she hasn’t had that many kind words about Idol. So how is Taylor these days?

I’ve been reading some other idol sites that give a rundown and it is painful. The great majority of these web places have always found nothing but praise for this show to keep the massive herd of Idol sheep to keep returning so they can read pages and pages of praise for the show, the hosts, and at least some of the contestants. And despite a really down year this year, most of them are still attempting to convince the sheep that every thing is hunky dory in Idol land but you can tell they are struggling find anything worthwhile to write about this year.

Okay so what about the show itself? The judges tell us right off the bat that they expect the guys to step up their game. They don’t say whether it’s for the show or the poker game going on backstage. I think it’s the poker game because nothing changed performance wise as we quickly find out when Brandon Rogers hits the stage, craps all over You Can’t Hurry Love by forgetting the words and then the judges crap all over him. Randy promptly reminds us he has been sitting next to Paula way to long. Have you notice how his criticism has become screwier as each week goes by? Don’t be surprised if Randy starts out his criticism of a contestant next week by saying, “Let me tell you how lovely you look tonight.” And honestly, instead of having Ryan carry on these long meaningless questions and answer sessions, couldn’t they just have the contestants sing a little longer?

After Brandon, the first of our two contestants comes out to sing. Melinda decides to do an obscure song called “Home” from what may have been one of the lamest musicals ever imprinted on celluloid. It certainly wasn’t one of Diana Ross’s shining moments. Of course, I would be talking about The Wiz. Ryan asks Melinda one of the lame questions sent in by one of the official fan nut cases from the official Idol message boards, and Melinda gives it the lame and boring answer that the question deserves. More interesting is the give and take between Ryan and Simon.

Ryan: Any advice on the high heels?
Simon: You should know Ryan
Ryan: Stay out of my closet
Simon: Come out.

Oh, the song. It’s technically fine as usual, but the song itself is endlessly boring so I don’t care. And if she sings this stuff on a CD, I don’t think anybody else would care enough to buy it despite the coaxed raves from the audience. Then Melinda goes into her “I’m so overwhelmed by everything and I’m so humble routine” and everything is as it should be in Idol Land.

After the first contestant, we quickly get back to the also rans. Chris Sligh decides to set the song Endless Love to Cold Play music. Or at least that’s what I’m told. Endless Love is one of those songs that has deep emotional meaning to some people but only if they are exceptionally horny and they’re getting laid for the first time in a long while with the song playing in the background. It convinces some people it isn’t just about the sex, it’s about the love! Gee, whatever floats their boat. The judges tell Chris the arrangement sucks and Simon tells him to put his glasses back on.

Is it just me or does anybody else find Gina Glocksen terribly annoying? What I mean by that is that she comes off not as the best friend you would like to have, but as the best friend that you are stuck with somehow and can’t get rid of her. You know the one, the one whose mouth runs at fifty miles an hour and considers herself to be the final word on everything from music to make-up. And who hasn’t had a friend like that? Gina shouts her way through Love Child and gives no thought at all to the fact that the song might have a melody. When she does manage anything close to that, she is so off key I end up being in pain for most of the performance. Randy says he’s a Gina fan but it was pitchy and bitchy, Paula says she was off key, and Simon says forgettable middle type performance.

Now it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. It’s time for the American Idol Comedy Highlight of the Week. This week’s comedy monologue is being done by The Sandwich. I think my nickname of the Sandwich for Sanjay suits him well this week as it looks like Diana wants to hug him and kiss him and then swallow him whole. I think she sees him as her new Michael Jackson pet. Diana has given some of the other contestants a hug but this time she actually does want to hug him, rubs his back up and down just for good measure and tears of laughter are already sliding down my face. Then when he begins singing Ain’t No Mountain, I’m out of my chair and on the floor. Worse yet, Sandwich let’s the background singers do the hardest part of the song! Randy says I…I…I…..don’t even know what to say but he looks forward to the hair and says Sandwich could win hair Idol. Paula says he’s a sweet soul, then gives him a bunch of useless advice that he couldn’t use if he had the ability to use it. Simon then calls Diana Ross a whale, and says Sandwich has his hair in common with Diana. Okay, he actually said Diana would wail, but I liked the whale comparison better.

Hayley comes out trying to be Kat McPhee Part Deus and when she begins singing “Missing You”, I quickly get very bored, bored that is until she stands up and shows the world that her dress is being held up by a big strand of duct tape wrapped around just below her butt cheeks, causing said cheeks to stand out like a lopsided oversized potato. So I hear no more through the rest of the song as I’m in hysterics again. All I can think about is that this is one of those awful dresses that somebody famous would wear to the Academy awards to draw attention to themselves when nothing else will. Randy and Paula give her the equivalent of thumbs down but Simon gives it a sort of somewhat kind of thumbs up and Haley bursts into tears. At this point, I’m laughing no longer, just throwing up.

Next up, Phil “The Boogerman” Stacy comes out for “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me.” No, Boogerman, all you’re going to do is scare the hell out of the viewing audience at home with your creepy eyes, creepy onion head, and even creepier floppy ears. Look, some people might look okay with a bald head but Phil isn’t one of them and whoever told him he does, really really hates him a lot. It doesn’t help my disposition any when someone holds up a big card with the picture of a baby on it, a cell phone on it, and it says I’m voting for you, daddy. So now they are using Boogerman Jr. to sell more cell phones. After all of that I don’t care about the song, the judges or anything else in regards to this performance.

Next up, it’s time for our second contestant of the evening Lakisha. We all know that Melinda has left Lakisha some room to outdo her this week so we’ll see if she can take advantage. She starts off excellently by NOT telling Diana, “Did you know I’m a single mom?” Okay, so technically the song is called “God Bless the Child” but Lakisha doesn’t say it’s HER child in the song. So obviously Lakisha has already stepped up her game this week. As for the performance, it’s not a song I would care for but at least Lakisha keeps me interested in it and she doesn’t go overboard on the fake “I’m so humble” routine so I would score this week as a win for Kiki. Or is it Keke? I guess it doesn’t matter. Of course the judges heap their usual praise on her.

Unfotunately, we quickly get back to everybody else. Like Chris Sligh, Blake Lewis decides to rearrange “You Keep Me Hanging On.” During the song he tries to dance like Michael Jackson, probably hoping that Diana Ross will make him pet number three along with The Gloved One and The Sandwich. Randy says don’t Blake Eyes everything, Paula says Blake and Chris Sligh are different, and Simon says I didn’t get that at all, although I’m not sure if he’s talking about Blake or the mumbling back and forth that Paula and Randy were doing.

Stephanie Edwards is going to do “Love Hangover” which will go well with the Idol Hangover I’m going to have tomorrow. I like Stephanie and she would be my third favorite on this show but way behind the two real contestants. Unfortunately I don’t like this performance or this song. It is way off the mark for her as I think it’s pitchy and bitchy although Randy doesn’t say so. The judges say it’s a strange arrangement. I think it was just strange.

Chris “Tremorlake” Richardson is probably the contestant I look least to hearing each week. Sanjaya and Haley are bad but they are in an entertaining way. Chris is just boring and I only look forward to his departure. And this song, “The Boss” just reaffirms everything I feel about Tremorlake, that he is boringly overrated.

The best I can say about Jordo-roboto Thumper is that technically she’s a better singer than Lisa Tucker, but everything else about her says Lisa. The notes are fine but she’s clueless as to how to sing in a way to give any meaning to the lyrics. And don’t give me any gruff because I listened to her twice. However, the judges who are well aware that there really isn’t a competition this year, pimp her as if she’s this years prize whore in an attempt to convince the gullible sheep that this particular thumper has a chance so they won’t tune out because of the inevitable. This time next year, Jordo-robot will be back in Arizona doing her thumping at some anti-gay anti-condom rally. Good for her as it won’t be soon enough for me. Oh, and I finally found out when those pictures of her with Simon and Randy were taken. They were taken three years ago in 2004, which is why this whole Jordin audition charade still galls me. This public service announcement is brought to you by the makers of Duralicious Condoms.

Okay, that’s about it. Isn’t that enough? I’ll be back sometime or other to give you my thoughts on the results. Catch you later.

I ran across this old Letterman clip on You Tube today. It's in regards to a guest appearance by Jennifer Ringley of Jennicam who was a hot item back in the internet days of old. I wonder how many of you can even remember Jennicam. In 1996, she put a webcam in her college room dorm so people could watch her do whatever it was she was doing, and a phenomenon was born. It's strange to think that most people have forgotten about her, and that web cams have now become common place. Think of Jenni as being the original ED TV or The Truman Show. So what happened to Jenni?

After seven years, Jennicam went dark on January 1, 2004. She cited the fact that paypal had a new policy against frontal nudity as one of the reasons. Others believe that it was because nobody really cared to watch her increasingly staid and boring lifestyle anymore.

In mid 2000, Jenni not only stole her best friend's fiance, Dex, she did it by taking him home and having sex with him live on her web cam, which was how the best friend found out about it. Worst yet, for all of Jennifer's preaching about letting people have an honest and open view into her life, she failed to inform her fans where her new love, Dex, had come from. Making it worse, she had no words of apology for the best friend who had helped Jenni move out to California and find a place to live. Frankly, after seeing pictures of old Dex I am instantly reminded of the Geico Caveman so my question would have been why either one of them would want the guy. I guess love is blind as jenni wrote of him the morning after having stole him away, "He is a miracle to me, he is the sky opening up and the sun shining down, he is the rich earth underneath my feet and underneath my fingernails"

So where is Jenni now? Nobody seems to know. When her webcam went dark, she pretty much fell off of the face of the earth. But if you're interested, you can find articles about her and the big romantic entanglements here, here, here, here, and here, if you scroll about halfway down the page. There is another site out there called Last Week at Jenni's place that now posts old pictures from from her site that should give you some idea as to what you could have seen on jenni-cam which for the most part is a whole lot of nothing. Coincidentally, this jennicam replay site is running pictures now of the early days of the Jenni/Dex/Courtney triangle. A link? Sorry, but you'll have to find that one on your own. Hmmm...has anybody suggested a web cam site to Antonella?